Why Can Humans Speak?
Someone has to answer for this nonsense
Curious Kitties
An older picture of Zoro and Sanji peeking at me from a perch. You can really see their size difference here!
…Time for this week’s story…
Why Can Humans Speak?
Wearing a long black robe, a judge with green skin, small eyes, and ears like an unfurling leaf sat behind a tall silver desk grumbling to himself as he shuffled through screens. Shaking his head, his grumbles bubbled louder. The courtroom waited silently for the judge to complete his review, which did not seem to be going well. Amidst speculative gossip, eyes from the crowd occasionally turned to the defendant, a smaller being from a different quadrant with olive skin, pointed ears, and long, flowing hair tied neatly into a ponytail who waited alongside everyone else.
“This is a disaster. Who thought this would be a good idea?” the judge finally said, getting the room’s attention.
“Judge Charl, the defendant, sentience farmer Fennel Gorthorp from quadrant three, stands before you,” said the two-story tall, stoic being who resembled a statue, standing next to the judge.
“Is that you?” Judge Charl pointed to the defendant.
“Yes, your honor.”
“Mister Gorthorp.” Judge Charl adjusted in his seat before continuing. “Before you, I heard a case about a smuggling ring trafficking in stolen human socks. Before that case, there were three more cases relating to humans. Now, here I am looking at this case, thinking to myself that if it weren’t for this, I wouldn’t have had to hear those cases. Because, most of these problems trace their roots to humans and their current level of sentience. They owe that, of course, to their ability to speak. It seems you’re the one responsible for that. Could you explain to me why you thought that was a good idea?”
“Well, your honor, I can see how you would think that, but given the options, I stand by my choice. I come from a long line of sentience farmers, and we take great pride in what we do. If the court could reason that another option would have been better, then I will concede that I may have been mistaken.”
“The prosecution has prepared several candidates that they believe would have been better suited to advanced sentience. Gorillas, for example, are genetically related to humans and are much more peaceful. They’re herbivores as well. I’m sure their genetic ancestor would have made a better fit,” said Judge Charl.
“Your honor, gorillas are big and consume a lot. They live in small groups, their structures would be larger, and ultimately population growth would be untenable.” Fennel opened a holographic screen and forwarded some files to the judge.
“I see you’ve included some other analyses here,” said Judge Charl. “Bonobos? They’re a bit small, but I believe they would be great candidates.”
“They hump everything, your honor. Chimpanzees and most other primates were throwing their feces at each other. The human ancestor was one of the only primates not throwing their feces. A couple of fused chromosomes later and we’ve got a great candidate for universal consciousness.”
“Okay, let’s move along from primates. Octopus are extremely intelligent. I’m sure they had an ancestor that could have made for a great sentient life form,” Judge Charl proposed.
“True, octopus are great. Their ancestor was in contention with humans for advanced sentience,” Fennel admitted.
“Why didn’t you pick the octopus species, then?” Judge Charl looked through the notes for the projections on octopus evolution.
“Octopus are technically not native to Earth, they were imported to help repopulate the planet after the last cataclysm.”
“Oh, yes, I see.” Judge Charl nodded. “Okay, what about dolphins?”
“All projections pointed to dolphins being a more violent and racist version of the bonobo evolutionary option,” Fennel explained.
“What about pigs? They’re omnivorous, intelligent, and adorable,” Judge Charl proposed.
“Pigs? Please, your honor. When hungry, pigs do not discriminate about what they eat. They will eat anything. If we ignore the hooves and the extra work it would take to give them a more versatile appendage for them to use tools, their temperament disqualifies them.”
“If I remember right, there is a pig species from the Andromeda galaxy,” Judge Charl pointed out.
“Would you invite them to a party, your honor?” Fennel said.
“Point taken, but I wouldn’t invite humans, either.”
“Not yet,” Fennel said with a smile. “But, look at their progress. Sure, they fight a lot, their governments are corrupt as can be, in some places their food is legally poisoned, and they have some very creative vulgarities, yet they are so much more that that.”
“You’re not helping your case, Mister Gorthorp,” said Judge Charl.
“In the last hundred years alone, look how much Humans have learned to care about each other and consider their larger place in the universe. They used to make their children work in mines, now they’ve created games about mines for their children to play in. Humans are passing laws against farming Octopus and other intelligent life on the planet. They donate more to humanitarian efforts year after year and their spiritual community is growing at an almost exponential rate. Thanks to all their mistakes, they’ve learned a lot of lessons. They’ll be rubbing elbows with the rest of us before you know it,” Fennel stated his case.
With a grumble, Judge Charl leaned back in his chair. Tapping his fingers on his desk, he examined Fennel with a raised eyebrow. He checked the statistics on Fennel’s claims and they were indeed true. Despite or thanks to their incredible folly, they were learning lessons at an astronomical rate.
The true measure of growth is lessons learned. That is the measure by which all lives are judged. So too is a species, and grown they had. There was much left ahead, but much to be appreciated as well. All species go through their growing pains, even if they aren’t all as much trouble as humans.
“A landscape can have deep valleys and tall peaks. I suppose if they’re trending positively, let’s give them a chance to right the ship and see how high they go. Case dismissed.”