Vampire Family Dinner
Family drama can last forever!
Dolphins Kitty!
Fun fact, Shitpancake is a huge Dolphins fan. He’s not technically in costume here, he’s proudly representing his team.
…Time for this week’s story…
Vampire Family Dinner
“Kids, dinner time!” Mabel called upstairs, hurrying back to the dinner table to make sure everyone’s bowls and spoons were neatly set and ready. She reached for the human hogtied in the middle of the table with an apple in his mouth. Wearing only underwear and at her mercy, he recoiled, but she only pinched his cheeks to make sure his blood was pumping.
Family dinners weren’t quite the same since they became vampires, but it was important to Mabel for them to keep as many traditions as they could. Those traditions were what had kept their family together after so many years. Mabel’s husband was the first to the table, dropping into his chair without looking away from his phone.
“This really isn’t looking like it’s going to be a great season,” he told Mabel. “But, we’ve got to have faith in our team. They can pull it together.”
“Rupert, do you really still have your head buried in that at this hour?” she asked.
“Mabel, it’s football season. What else is there to live for?” His eyes did not leave his screen.
Mabel sighed and turned her attention to her eternally teenage children, who had taken their time but finally shuffled downstairs. Heavy set with shaggy hair and a far-off look of boredom in his eyes, her son Henry moved lethargically. Her daughter Agatha was well dressed and wearing makeup to give her pale skin some color. She moved with undying angst.
“Henry, Agatha, look what I found. A Walter!” Mabel gleefully gestured to the human.
“I hate Walters. They’re disgusting.” Agatha crossed her arms and slouched in her seat.
“Honey, I thought you loved Walters.” Mabel said.
“No, you love Walters. I like Charlies. Charlies taste fun. Walters always taste stuffy and boring.” Agatha side-eyed Walter, who eagerly nodded his head to agree with her.
“Henry, you like Walters, right?” Mabel asked Henry.
“I don't care.” Even Henry’s shrug was half-hearted.
“Henry likes Franks and Marias. If you really loved us like you say you do, you’d know what we like, but you only care about yourself!” Agatha slammed on the table, making all the bowls and silverware jump. Rupert’s reading went undisturbed.
“Oh, well Marias are easy to find. They’re a little spicy, but I can find one if you kids want a Maria tomorrow.”
“I don’t want a Maria! I don’t want a Walter. I don’t even want a Charlie. I want to eat normal food like a normal teenager!” Agatha screeched.
“Sweetie, we’re vampires, and we’ve been vampires for over a century. We can’t just go back to being normal humans,” Mabel said.
“We’re vampires because you made us vampires after you got turned into one! We want to be vampires as much as Walter wants to be our dinner,” Agatha said.
Walter quietly glanced between them and then let out an empathetic grumble.
“Well, I’m sorry for loving my family so much! I’m sorry my love turned you immortal and now you can fly and turn into bats and look eternally youthful,” Mabel retorted.
“For you that’s a blessing, for us it’s a curse! I could have had grandkids by now but instead I’m stuck like this. Hot guys won’t touch me because they don’t want to be creepers but I’m older than all of them and it isn’t fair! Then we have to eat humans like cows? They’re not livestock. We used to be humans, remember?” A tear of blood ran down Agatha’s cheek.
“Of course I remember, Agatha! I remember the day you were born!”
“And the day you killed me? How about that? You know what? I’d rather starve than be like you!” Agatha jumped out of her seat and untied Walter’s feet, then threw him out of the window. “Run free, Walter! Go, have a family, die of old age, see the sun!”
“I’ll patch up the window.” Rupert got up and casually strolled away to retrieve his tools without taking his eyes off his phone.
“Agatha! What are you doing? Now I have to go get him.”
“I won’t let you! I hate you! I’m not letting you hurt anyone else!” Agatha screamed.
They argued for a while. Henry played games on his phone instead of chasing down dinner because then he’d have to deal with his sister’s rage. In the end, Agatha stormed up to her room and everyone else had a goat for dinner because the sun would be up soon. While they ate, Agatha looked up vampire hunting services from her bedroom. She found one named Samuel and met with him a week later. Instead of just turning herself over, she explained the family's situation.
Nobody in the family was happy and everyone except her mother welcomed death. Her brother had lost interest in everything, and her father had latched onto football. When Agatha said goodbye to her brother and father because she planned to turn herself over to a vampire hunter, they asked to be set free as well. Agatha gave the hunter everything he needed then returned home so her mother wouldn't suspect anything.
When the sun was high in the sky that morning, Samuel disarmed the alarm with the code Agatha had given him and navigated the house according to her map. He opened their coffins one by one and drove a stake through their hearts. They each opened their eyes and muttered their last words before they died, their bodies then decaying rapidly and turning to dust.
Agatha said, “Finally.” Then, she died with a smile.
Henry said, “Thank you.”
Mabel cried, “My children!”
Finally, the one that broke Samuel’s heart was Agatha’s father Rupert, who said, “Go Birds!”
“Oh, no!” Samuel said. Head resting on his fist, he took a moment to reconcile killing a fellow fan and took a deep breath before mirroring the sentiment himself. “Go Birds.”