The Most Obvious Stakeout Ever
How would you know if the feds are watching?
Utili-kitties
This is a picture of my kitties helping me move to this apartment last year. They were very helpful. They literally made everything I was doing cuter with their very presence, and they would paw at the things I was working on. Okay, if I’m being honest, they were a little heavy on the micromanagement, but they’re fun company.
…Time for this week’s story…
The Most Obvious Stakeout Ever
John approached his front door hunched over, hands trembling. He made sure to stay out of the window sight lines and put a piece of wood in front of his peep hole before looking, in case there was a bullet waiting for him when he peeked. There was no bullet, so he peeked. A moment later, the door was open and he pulled his visitor inside.
“Andy! It's so good to see you. I've been trapped in my house for weeks.”
“Hey John. Yeah, we noticed you've been a recluse so the guys sent me to check on you. Is everything okay?”
“No way. Things are not okay and I don't know what to do. Do you want a beer? Stay away from the windows.”
“No thanks, it’s a little early for that. How about coffee? Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”
“Where do I start? Did you notice the surveillance vehicles on the streets around here? I can't go anywhere without them watching.” John ducked into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee.
“Them?” Andy asked. He strolled to the window to look outside. There was a white van down the street and a black car with tinted windows drove by, but there was nothing suspicious.
“The feds.”
“Oh, of course. Why do you think the feds are watching you?”
“You mean aside from the surveillance vehicles? How about the Wi-Fi called, ‘Surveillance Van One’?” John pulled a mug from the cabinet while fresh coffee filled up the pot.
Andy checked his phone while John continued. There was a Wi-Fi network named, ‘Surveillance Van 1’. Still, John was too paranoid for Andy to take seriously.
“If you walk around the neighborhood there are more. I went to get groceries once and passed by a house where one of the vans is parked. The gate was open and I could see in the backyard. There were feds with bulletproof vests on, talking about something in a group.”
“Did you ever consider that one of your neighbors could be a drug dealer? Or that there are also nearby Wi-Fi networks called ‘Alien Mothership’ and ‘Bacon Stain Factory’? Ew, that’s disgusting. Where’s your Wi-Fi?”
“Those are my neighbors. They’re cool. I shut mine down. Hardline is easier to secure.”
“I guess we were right to check on you. What happened to bring all this about? How did this start?”
“I started noticing the suspicious Wi-Fi networks on my jogs for a couple months before my neighbors moved in. The more I noticed them, the more obvious it all became. A diminished police presence, suspicious joggers and bicyclists, fake Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
“How do you know they were fake?”
“I told them it was my birthday and they wished me a happy birthday,” John said with a cocky smile, adding milk and sugar to Andy’s coffee the way he liked it.
“Is that weird?”
“They don’t celebrate holidays.”
“I didn’t know that.” Andy pondered how little he knew about Jehovah’s Witnesses. “Maybe they were just being nice?”
“I’m sure that’s what they wanted me to believe. They kept asking to come inside, but I didn’t let them,” John said confidently.
“Won’t fault you for that one.”
“Here you go,” John handed Andy a hot coffee made to his taste. He had a beer for himself in his other hand.
“Thanks, buddy.” Andy blew on it before taking a sip. “Look, I’ve got to say, I’m seeing some red flags here and I think you might want to see a therapist or something.”
“A therapist? They won’t be able to help me. It would just be one more thing for them to spy on if we do our sessions via online meetings.”
“Right. See, that’s the thing, I don’t think these are feds watching you. I think that van is a van. The Wi-Fi is just a network name. That jogger running by your house right now is just a jogger.”
“Blonde woman with a ponytail, wearing a visor and sunglasses even though it’s a cloudy day?” John asked. Andy checked out the window again and gave John a nod. “Yeah, she comes by every day at the same time and usually makes another pass in about an hour.”
“Every day? Is she training for a marathon?”
“Right? Who runs that much?”
“Seriously. She really is wearing a visor and sunglasses, isn’t she?”
“Every day.” John opened his beer and took a drink.
“This early in the day, drinking is probably another red flag.”
“Andy, how do you expect me not to drink being in the middle of all this? I’m being spied on by the feds. I’m going to crack open a beer any time I want. Come on, let’s hang out in the living room.” John motioned for Andy to move into the living room since he was standing in the archway between them.
Andy strolled into the living room taking a careful drink of his coffee. He stopped unexpectedly, pausing to process what his eyes were seeing. On the other side of the living room were two human-sized, gray humanoids with large black eyes. One of them waved at Andy.
“Oh, hey guys. You want a beer?” John greeted them. They both nodded and smiled, so John hurried back to the kitchen to grab them a couple beers. He handed the open beers to the strange beings. The three of them bumped their cans together and took a drink. It was then John noticed Andy was at a loss of words. “You okay, buddy?”
“I uh… I think I’ll take that beer.” Andy looked out the window to see the same black car passing again.
“Sweet! I’ll do introductions when I get back. Oh, hey guys, can my buddy Andy use your Wi-Fi?” John asked. The beings nodded and pointed at Andy. “They said it’s okay. The password is Earth password, all one word, no caps.”
“Let me guess, the network is Alien Mothership?”
“No, the other one.”