The Great Pirate Treasure
Legend of the Red-Eyed Pirate
Derpy Sleeps
Shitpancake has the derpiest sleeps of any of the cats. This one isn’t even the derpiest, but it was well lit.
…Time for this week’s story…
The Great Pirate Treasure
Ahoy, landlubber. So, you're looking to learn about Captain Clay? Want to know what happened to him, do ye’? It's your lucky day. I sailed with him for the best years of my life, I did. Some say he found a cursed treasure and spends the afterlife with Davy Jones, others say he died of scurvy or fell in battle. I even heard someone say he was caught and hanged. Not many out there can tell ye’ what really happened, and most who hear the tale don’t believe it. Sit with an ole seadog and buy me a drink, I'll tell ye’ what you want to know.
His name was Captain Julius Clay, the fiercest pirate to sail the seas, known far and wide as The Red-Eyed Pirate. People swore they could see the bloodlust in his eyes, and right they were. The Captain was a fierce warrior with a hunger that was never sated. He killed more men than I can count and stole more gold than most see in all their lives.
Some people might be scared off by someone like that, but he treated his crew fairly and taught us to fight. That’s what made us such a force to be reckoned with. See, the Captain was the son of a champion fighter. He himself was a great swordsman in his youth. Didn’t say much else about his family or how he got to being a pirate, but the love of a good fight never left him. Life goes that way sometimes. Things start off well and then fall apart piece by piece ‘til you’ve got nothin’ left. Nothin’ but what ye’ learned while you were there. At some point, the Captain took to the seas and never looked back.
He had an insatiable thirst that no amount of blood, gold, or women could satisfy. It was almost like he was looking for a most glorious death. Most of the time we would steal from one crown or another, but the world’s a magical place. Ancient civilizations, abandoned cities, natives, curses, sea monsters, it was all out there waiting for us. When we heard the legend of the great treasure of the Amazons, the Captain was fascinated. Legend says it’s a mountain of gold and gems guarded by an immortal warrior. The Amazons were a race of tall, beautiful women, all fearsome warriors, who left this realm to be with the Greek gods. So, we set sail for Greece.
After some years, we laid anchor off the coast of a beautiful island with tall green mountains and majestic waterfalls we could see from the ship. Some stayed behind while most of us rowed to shore. The island was lush with plenty of wildlife, food and fresh water. We thought we’d found paradise. That is, until we found the piles of skeletons.
They all died from a blow to the head. We said a prayer and kept exploring the thick forest, moving quietly so as not to rouse the immortal guardian. It was mid-afternoon when we crested a hill and saw a waterfall ahead. At the foot of it was the most amazing pile of gold and gemstones I've ever seen, glistening in the sun. We were awe-struck, but only for a moment.
Suddenly, a warm wind blew over us and we couldn't move. From behind the waterfall, the guardian appeared. Carrying a giant spear, she was eight feet tall with olive skin, curly black waist-long hair, and sparkling blue eyes. Her pearly Greek robes barely clung to her voluptuous body. We thought ourselves dead. Then, the Captain took a step! Then another. Shocked, the guardian readied her spear.
The Captain said, “Ma’am, are you the immortal warrior that guards this isle?”
She said, “I am Cassandra, The goddess Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons, tasked me to guard this treasure from the greedy hearts of men.”
The Captain said, “In that case, I challenge you to single combat! I haven’t come all this way for gold. I came for a fight!”
They agreed to an honorable duel. The Captain promised we wouldn’t touch her treasure, so she agreed to let us go. Otherwise, if the Captain won, we got to loot the skeletons, but if he lost, he’d lose his head.
Never in my life have I seen such an amazing duel. Truly, they had to be the two most amazing fighters alive. With sword and spear, they scored points landing glancing blows, sometimes an elbow or a kick, but neither could pull ahead in points. They fought until they were exhausted.
They complimented each other’s prowess, then the guardian proposed a break to refresh. When the Captain agreed, she disrobed and walked into the water. She pointed to the captain and curled her finger seductively for him to join. The Captain threw off his clothes and dismissed us. We kept to ourselves in the forest until the Captain returned and told us to make camp. He was going to spend the night. We spent six nights there. On the final morning, he came to our camp with the guardian. His smile told us everything.
“Afternoon, gentlemen!” He said. “I've got some news. I'll be staying here on the island with Cassandra. Thank you for sailing with me all these years. You’ve become the family I never really had. During our fight, we could feel each other’s warrior spirit, and each other’s loneliness. I didn’t think I’d find a woman who could truly understand me. I think she’s actually killed more men than me, if you can believe it.”
Then, the guardian spoke. “Thank you for bringing Julius to me. Take any valuables or weapons from the skeletons as your own as well as a single piece of the treasure I guard. Take more and die a painful death on your voyage home.”
We said our goodbyes and sailed away. It was nice seeing the Captain happy. He finally found what he was looking for.