Teenage Mutant Hippopotamuses

Hippos on a bender, hippo-power!

Sultry Sanji

Sanji was caught red-handed trying to wear one of momma’s robes and I caught her looking like a deer in headlights.

…Time for this week’s story…

Teenage Mutant Hippopotamuses

Once upon a time, not that long ago, there were four happy, adorable hippos living in the jungles of Colombia with their loving poppa, Pablo. Poppa Pablo took care of them until one day, vicious men killed their beloved Poppa. In December of 1993 the hippo’s Poppa, Pablo Escobar, was gunned down, leaving the four adorable hippos without a home. They fled into the jungles of Columbia and multiplied.

Over thirty years later, the hippo family had gotten a lot bigger, numbering almost two hundred, but the world had gotten smaller. Their once deep jungles sometimes bordered civilization. Downstream from one little town was a factory that dumped toxic waste into the river. Oblivious to the danger, the poor hippos who lived in the area swam in the contaminated waters.

The mix of chemicals caused strange mutations in the local hippos. Their limbs grew longer and they could easily walk upright. Most of the hippos avoided humans, but a group of young hippos were curious about them. They meandered as close as they could and watched people talking and going about their lives. They tried to speak like humans, but could only make their typical grunts, honks, and squeals.

One day, a human fell into the river and the hippos helped him back to the shore. Afraid at first, the human realized the hippos were friendly. He called himself Gustavo. Grateful, he brought them human food and played them music. He introduced them to alcohol and partied with the young hippos several times the week they met. Fascinated by the friendly hippos, he showed up one day with a paper. With the hippos gesturing curiously at it, he taught them about maps and explained he was marking the spot where he visited them.

That weekend, Gustavo thought it would be fun to introduce them to human drugs. He gave the hippos a mountain of white powder and they loved it. They ran around the jungle for a while before returning for more. Unfortunately, Gustavo didn’t have any more, but he knew who did. A man who lived up the river owed him money and wouldn’t pay because he spent the money buying drugs. Gustavo told the hippos they could take that man’s drugs for themselves.

So, the young, gullible hippos followed Gustavo’s directions to the man’s house and charged through the doors in a frenzy. They roared and headbutted everything they could, tearing the house apart. They found no drugs, and somewhere in all the commotion, the man who lived there got trampled. With their trip being a bust, they returned to Gustavo, but this time they were more desperate. So, when Gustavo told them he didn’t have any more, they started destroying everything in the area. When one of them tackled his car, Gustavo panicked and said he knew where to find more drugs.

Over a dozen hippos followed Gustavo’s truck down the road until he pulled over and told them where to go. Just ahead was a large, gated house guarded by many men. Inside, there were plenty of drugs for all of them. The hippos eagerly charged down the road and around the bend. Just like Gustavo said, guards, a gate, and a big house! The guards fired bullets at the hippos that bounced right off and their skin. The hippos swarmed through the gate, squishing the heads of guards under their feet like fruit.

The earth shook as the hippos rampaged across the front lawn, biting, eating, or crushing every guard who got in their way. They crushed the stone structures decorating the lawn, roaring in a rage. The mansion doors and windows burst open and the hippos poured in. They charged up the stairs and burst open the narrow doorways. They were met with a storm of gunfire and screaming as they went from room to room looking for drugs and chomping down on the gunmen. Some of the hippos found the drugs half-way through and stopped to partake, shrugging off bullets until another hippo took care of it for them. The roaring hippos rampaged through the building until the gunfire stopped.

Bloody hippo-sized footprints criss-crossed the house to the point that the entire floor appeared to be painted red. Dead bodies littered the building, and for a while the house was quiet. All that could be heard was the rabid inhaling of powdery drugs alongside the honks and grunts of the hippos.

Gustavo entered the house laughing. Pacing through the blood, he took pictures and then eagerly called his boss to share the good news. Very loudly, he shared with his boss that he had eliminated the competition. The region was completely theirs now, they just had a small hippo problem to deal with.

One of the strung-out hippos heard Gustavo laughing when he came in and went to investigate. He overheard Gustavo and realized that competition meant that Gustavo had been holding out on them and knew where to find more drugs. By the time Gustavo was off the phone, he had been quietly surrounded by hippos. A few hippos retrieved some maps they spotted on their rampage and studied them carefully while the others closed in on Gustavo. The map-reading hippos returned with good news. They knew where Gustavo’s boss was.

They didn’t need Gustavo.

Gustavo begged and pleaded with them, but they had decided to dismember him. The circle of hungry hippos took turns taking bites out of him. Gustavo became just another flesh chunk laying on a bloody floor amidst other random body parts.

The hippos laid siege to Gustavo’s boss’s mansion. They killed all the people and did all the drugs. Then, they studied the maps of the gang’s distribution networks. Gustavo’s boss had more information than the other guys. He actually knew where to find drugs in other regions. Since the hippos had devoured all the drugs in the area, they decided to follow the rivers and hunt down more drugs, much like Poppa Pablo once did.