Gargoyleman: Clown College
Who needs doctors when a good laugh can fix anything?
Derp Nap
Shitpancake asleep and derped out on our little square tower
…Time for this week’s story…
Gargoyleman: Clown College
A world-renowned psychologist visited Newmoon City’s Crescent University to talk about criminality in the modern world. He discussed discipline, education, intelligence, and empathy as prime factors that create villains. While he praised heroes and all the good they do in the world thanks to their virtues, a colorless gas that smelled like farts was released into the auditorium. People tried to ignore the fart smell and pay attention to the lecture, but that eventually became impossible.
The room was evacuated for fear of a sewage leak, and for a day or two, people thought it was a harmless prank. That was until everyone in attendance, including the psychologist, started popping up in the news. Over the next few days, everyone from the auditorium went out and bought grease paint. They stopped going to work or school and started committing crimes painted as clowns.
Quickly catching the pattern, the police rounded up everyone who was in the auditorium that day and publicly ruled it as a villain attack. Local doctors identified the toxin that was causing the strange behavior, but could do nothing about it. The victims had stopped eating so they were sedated and placed on an intravenous drip.
Nobody needed to call Gargoyleman to investigate. He appeared from the shadows of Police Chief Jordan’s office late one night.
“Jeez, you always scare the crap out of me when you do that.” Chief Jordan jumped. “I'm already dealing with this clown show, gangs have started feuding again, my doctor tells me I have to sit on this pillow and my blood pressure is up. I don't need you giving me a heart attack, too. Can't afford to take the time off work, and I don't think you can afford to pay for my time off.” Chief Jordan was more stressed than usual.
“You need a vacation,” Gargoyleman said matter-of-factly.
“You're telling me. Are you here to help with any of this or are you here to put more work on my plate?”
“I already visited the hospital and helped myself to a few things. I'm going to run some tests and see if I can find anything. This toxin seems too powerful for Cackling Clown,” Gargoyleman said.
“You think someone else could be behind this?”
“I have a few theories, but he's definitely involved. I'll let you know what I find out. Speaking of which, have you looked into that thing I asked for a few months ago?”
“The one about the uh…” Gargoyleman held his index finger to his lips and Chief Jordan stopped talking. He reached into his desk, pulling out a manila folder. Handing it over, he gave Gargoyleman a stern nod and a smile. “I did find some… interesting things.”
“Thank you.”
“If you could do me a favor, though.” Chief Jordan crossed his office to click on his water boiler and pulled out a cup of instant noodles. “Get Cackling Clown off my streets, will ya? This city has gone absolutely insane since he came back. It's going to put me in an early grave.”
“With your blood pressure, the salt in those noodles will kill you first,” Gargoyleman said from the darkness.
Chief Jordan let loose a frustrated grunt and threw the noodles in the trash. “What the hell am I supposed to eat?” He turned around, but there was no Gargoyleman, only curtains flapping over an open window.
Gargoyleman’s multi-million dollar supercomputer was the perfect tool for quickly analyzing the toxin. What he found was alarming. This was no ordinary toxin, but one that behaved like a parasite. It controlled people's behavior, making it's victims turn themselves into criminal clowns.
Counteracting the toxin, however, was no easy task. Gargoyleman set his computer to simulate possible cures, but his primary education was not in medicine, and his parameters were insufficient. Not even one year ago, he could have collaborated with any number of heroes to come up with a solution, but now, he was in direct opposition to those resources. Frustration mounting, he decided to take a walk and visit the containment cells. Venus gave him a wry smile and a wink as he passed. A few cells down from her was the special containment unit for Zero Cool.
“To what do I owe the pleasure of your company? I've been down here for months and I've seen you maybe three times. If it weren't for that delightful woman down the way, I would have died of loneliness.” Zero Cool leaned forward on his knees, hands clasped together.
“Maybe I can get you a pet penguin.” Gargoyleman’s deadpan tone inspired a laugh from Zero Cool.
“So, you do have a sense of humor.”
“It's best not to underestimate me,” Gargoyleman said.
“A fair point.”
“I've been looking into what you asked,” Gargoyleman said. Zero Cool’s eyes beamed. He stood up and crossed his cell to meet Gargoyleman at the forcefield which separated them. “I ran down some leads on my end and got access to some restricted police information. I don't think you have anything to worry about. However, some of the people you worked with fell for it, and you got swept into a few of those.”
Zero Cool nodded and took a deep breath. His eyes closed and he learned his head back, took a moment, then looked to meet Gargoyleman's eyes again. “Thank you for that. It's an answer I can live with. Please, if you ever need a helping hand, I'm willing. Could I make a small request?”
“Depends,” Gargoyleman grumbled.
“I've watched nine new television shows in my time here. Wonderful as they were, I need something more stimulating. Could I please get a gaming console in here? I need to keep my mind sharp.”
Gargoyleman considered it for a moment and said, “It won't be going online.”
“That's fine. I don't need that.”
“I'll see what I can do.” Gargoyleman walked away, choosing not to reply when Zero Cool bid him farewell.
On his way out of the containment area, Gargoyleman paused at Venus’s cell. She bloomed to life. The weaved vines forming her bed lifted Venus to her feet and she pranced to the forcefield with a smile.
“Anything I can do for you?” Venus swiveled her body flirtatiously.
After a long pause to contemplate, Gargoyleman asked, “didn't you used to be a nurse?”
“Yeah. Powers kicked in during college. I suppressed them for way too long. That was a mistake.” Venus rolled her eyes. People who suppress their powers often have an episode where their powers explode uncontrollably and usually cause a lot of damage. For some, that episode lands them in prison and forever sets them on the path of villainy.
“I need your help, but I don't intend on letting you go.”
“You drive a hard bargain, but I don't want to go anywhere,” she said gleefully.
“Why not?” Gargoyleman asked suspiciously.
“Can I speak freely here?” Venus glanced around the room nervously.
“Paragon Man can't hear you,” he assured her.
“Okay, good. Oof!” Venus put a hand on her chest and paced in circles as she spoke. “That guy wants you dead. I had to put on a show because he was pressuring me. I don't know where I can be safe from him except here. Please don't make me go. I'll help you with whatever you need.”
“I didn't realize Paragon Man was putting so much pressure on the villains he released. Any thoughts as to why I've only had to deal with a few of you?” he asked.
“Well, I know some people had their own business to deal with first. I don't know about everyone, though. Paragon Man only felt confident releasing a few of us at a time.”
“Who else was released with you?” Gargoyleman asked, intrigued to see a former enemy be so cooperative.
“Deathknell, Nightmare, Darius Dark, and Lady Vengeance. I was the weakest of the bunch, but Paragon Man said he doesn't underestimate the power of poison.”
“Interesting.” Gargoyleman tapped on the pad next to the cell and the forcefield disappeared. “I need your help creating an antidote.”
“I'm happy to help.” Curious and eager, Venus followed Gargoyleman to his lab.
Gargoyleman showed her what he had and over the next ten hours he saw a new side of her. Venus was professional, curious, knowledgeable, and driven. She used her knowledge and intelligence to figure out the problem, and her plant powers to create the solution. By the time Venus handed Gargoyleman the vial with the antidote, she was ready to pass out. She wished him a good day and returned to her cell with a yawn.
Gargoyleman synthesized more of the antidote and delivered boxes of it to the roof of the hospital using drones. He sent Chief Jordan a secure message to ensure their retrieval.
Later that night, Chef Jordan went to the police station roof to turn on the beacon in hopes of summoning Gargoyleman for an update.
“Good evening, Chief,” Gargoyleman's voice called from the shadows.
“Jesus! I just turned this thing on. Come to think of it, I don't think you've ever been here waiting for me before. Thanks for that antidote. Worked like a charm. A lot of the victims are already recovering. The doctors said they couldn't do anything about this pathogen. How'd you cook that up so fast?”
“The gas came from Fearmonger. As for the cure, I had help.”
“Of course.” Chief Jordan smacked his forehead. “Should have figured one of your hero friends helped you make it. Fearmonger, though? He's bad news. I wonder what's got him working with Cackling Clown.”
“I got help from Venus.”
“Venus? The woman that attacked downtown a couple weeks ago?”
“From what I read, the psychologist giving the talk had a few things to say about heroes and villains. The world isn't always what it seems. Make sure he knows a villain saved his life.”
“You're blowing my mind here, I think his is going to melt. You've got to be kidding me.” Chief Jordan paced in a circle. “Hold on, why didn't one of your hero friends help?”
Gargoyleman stared silently at Chief Jordan, contemplating his answer. Finding no safe way to explain, he sidestepped the question. “You said gangs are feuding again? Maybe I can look into that for you.”
“Sure, wouldn't mind the help on that. It's a couple of yours anyway. Cross-Face and the Pelican.”
“I'll look into it. I wanted to thank you for getting that information I asked for.”
“Yeah, no problem. I noticed some strange details about all that.” Chief Jordan paused for a moment, scratching at his goatee and tapping his foot. “I don't usually ask questions when I do things for you, but do you mind helping me put the dots together here? And, why the extreme secrecy? You didn't let me speak words about it. That was weird.”
“You really want to know? I could use your help for the next step.” Gargoyleman stepped into the light.
Rarely did Chief Jordan get a good look at the towering man in his black and gray suit. Horns protruded from the sides of his head, and even though there was only a glow of light where eyes should be, Chief Jordan could feel Gargoyleman looking at him.
“Next step, huh? Look, if you're going after a big fish and trying to keep me safe, I don't need that. This is my job. I want to know what's going on.” Chief Jordan said sternly.
“I'll have to figure out what I can share with you. To be honest, in order to do what needs to be done, I'm going to need help.”
“What kind of character are you going after? A politician? Crime boss?” Chief Jordan grinned, eager to help. The conviction melted from his face when Gargoyleman answered.
“If we're sticking with the fish analogy, I'm going after the elder God who lives in the deepest, darkest part of the ocean.”